i expected the library to be busy today, but it was not, which disappointed me because i wore a pink shirt. i suppose that most attempts to get attention generally result in some kind of disappointment.
i still got to wear my pink shirt though =]
i bought a diet dr pepper est. 1885 cherry today and it is, as it says, amazingly smooth (complete with slanting letters to emphasize its amazing smoothness). maybe i am just not that into history, but i did not know that soda was around in 1885.
surely that must make america among the top nations. i stumbled across this website (via facebook, imagine) and was stunned that supposedly developed nations would be committing such horrific acts.
or the full story
although we are mostly aware of some of the atrocities committed against animals in places such as china, and the neglect they face in south america, i must say that i would not expect it from a french controlled region. one more reason to be wary of the french if they cannot even control their own fishermen.
hello world. the sun is shining, the air is cool and crisp and feels like a crunchy carrot stick this morning. i could just as well be that rabbit. the life of a rabbit, while fleeting in comparison to our own, seems almost equally as fulfilling in certain dimensions. for what better way to spend your day than doing exactly what you must, and not because of some perceived future reward like a good job or money, but because it is necessary for your very survival. no fluff, no choice, no idle hours spent contemplating the vast quantities of work you have, so much so that you certainly have not got any idle hours to spend online. or watching films. or talking on the phone. although all of these things are amusing, and serve some immediate purpose--be it physical, mental, or for the enigma that is the future you--they do seem to lack some greater fulfillment. for what could be more fulfilling than reflecting on each day and knowing that, merely by your conscious ability to think, you are still alive and have thus completed everything that day that must get done. how...
sometimes i miss the busy times in my life, the times that i am certain will break me if they go on for another second and send me into some shaded and obscure future of depression and alcoholism. i miss them because when they are over i can look back and see just how much i was able to accomplish because i had to. i do not mean to sound like some worldly, spiritual figure, or hippie if you prefer, but at times i wish we did not have so many distractions to fill our idle time, nor so much technology to allow us said idle time.
2. have you ever smoked heroin?
3.do you own a gun?
a rifle that my father gave me, but i don't use it
5. do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
6. what do you think of hot dogs?
yeah not so much, although chopped up in macaroni they are palatable
7. what's your favorite Christmas song?
8. what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
lemonade or iced tea this time of year
9. can you do push ups?
a better question would be how many. really, i think everyone can do a push-up, even 2 to satisfy the plural.
10. is your bathroom clean?
more or less. can't complain. and there's nothing growing at the moment
11. what's your favorite piece of jewelry?
do watches count?
12. do you like painkillers?
i like them for killing pain, that's all though.
13. what do you do to lure in the opposite sex?
not care. it seems to work.
14. do you have A.D.D.?
if i do it went undiagnosed
16. middle name?
17. name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
why are there so many capital letters in this, why am i doing this, i like my middle name
18. name the last 3 things you have bought?
gas, a bike pump and a notebook
19. name 3 drinks you regularly drink
water, lemonade and gatorade
22. current worry?
when i'll study for finals...if i'll study for finals
23. current hate?
24. favorite place to be?
lounging in the living room, at the beach
25. how did you bring in the new year?
with a bottle of wine, some friends, my girl, and a futurama marathon
26. where would you like to go?
uh, antarctica? or kenya.
27. do you own slippers?
of course. do i wear them? not often
28. what shirt are you wearing?
a blue one that says "cougars" and makes it look like i was actually on a varsity sport team
29. do you tan or burn?
30. favorite color(s)?
teal and silver
31. would you be a pirate?
no, i can't really pull off eye patches and parrots and peg legs, and especially not big hats and striped socks
33. what songs do you sing in the shower?
i don't actually sing in the shower, it echoes
34. what did you fear that was going to get you at night as a child?
a wolf. or robbers, in which case i'd think about the wolf instead
35. what's in your pockets right now?
keys and a shuffle
36. last thing that made you laugh?
a kid on the street spilled smoothie down their shirt, it was amusing
37. best bed sheets as a child?
scooby doo. there was nothing more bad ass than scooby doo.
38. worst injury you've ever had?
i broke a toe once...
40. how many TVs do you have in your house?
one, but my computer gets tv too.
41. who is your loudest friend?
i don't really know. i avoid loud people
42. who is your most silent friend?
nathan. i think we were friends before he ever spoke because i talked at him in class
43. does someone have a crush on you?
damn i hope so, wouldn't that be an ego boost
44. do you wish on shooting stars?
when i see them sometimes, always if i am with a girl
45. what is your favorite book?
47. what song do you want played at your wedding?
not the wedding song
48. what song do you want played at your funeral?
somewhere over the rainbow :] jk, i don't know, something anachronistic
49. what were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
thinking about drinking but choosing to do nothing
50. what was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
i have too much to do and why couldn't i sleep in more
i was eating chocolate today and there were messages on the inside of the wrappers! they got me to thinking...
...but not by a sumo wrestler
...but not with your eyes closed
...but not on valentine's day, no matter what your girlfriend says
...but not to excuse a death sentence
...but not if you're in danger :-]
sweatshirt draped off one shoulder she looks at me, blue oil stick dangling loosely in her hand, cerulean, blue like the eyes she wishes she had. i think i love her, and i think she can see it when i look away, desperately shaking hair down to cover my eyes that's too short to cover anything below my brow, furrowed and confused. do i love her really, or is it merely the uncertainty and angst of youth?
i let her paint my life sometimes in various shades and undertones of black; black, she says, like the clothes i wear and the music i like. black like the space between us, full of obscured unanswered questions. does she want marriage? when? i'm not ready for any of that, i'm not sure i'm ready to commit to anything. as impractical as i know it is i want to travel after school, doing what i don't yet know. perhaps a veterinarian assistant position in the vets abroad program.
love should be tested and true, and i do not know if this one has been. if i moved would she come with me, no questions asked? if she moved would i follow her in the same manner? that is what love should be, a thorough and absolute sacrificing of the self to the needs of the other. while this could make for some dreary and one-sided relationships, if both sides are truly in love and expose all that they have then the relationship would surely be more productive, with each side trying to please the other resulting in the best compromises possible. saying that you are willing to compromise is shit if you wouldn't give up everything for the other, because then the extent of the compromise will always be limited to the framework of the party which will "only compromise to such-and-such an extent."
maybe i'll go for long-distance internet relationships and see who offers to move first...
or who inspires me to move first, hrm
honestly, why? that's all i could think as i drove by.
a continuance from the previous reasons to be happy, because there are so many dreary and melodramatic people in the world who just can't seem to see the things i see. i'm not meaning to imply that everything i see in the world is honey and roses, or that everything that should be stable is and everything that should disappear does, just that you have got to learn to look at things across the spectrum and content yourself with the way they are. life is transient, and just as we are only here for a short period of time so is everything that we see and experience; the beauty that we observe will quickly vanish and the evil that we encounter is bound to be short lived.
cherry blossoms are one such instance of an extraordinarily fleeting beauty which we must embrace for as long as they are around and wait another year to welcome in spring. cherry blossoms are not normal flowers, they are small and apparently insignificant when viewed from afar; very little makes one unique from another when surveyed as a whole, but it is their ability to be team players, to sacrifice individual glory for the beauty of the tree which makes them so spectacular. the tulip is not this humble, and rises colorful and alone, trying to out do its peers.
the other quality of cherry blossoms which makes them so glorious is that they are inherently so very fragile. sometimes it seems as though simply looking at them too long, or too critically will cause them to wilt before your eyes, whither and fall to the ground. it is not, however, a human gaze or touch which dominates their destruction, but the wind. this is yet another reason we should cherish them, and our fellow peers--we have little control over over when and where each disappears, and we cannot stop that time when it comes. not for the cherry blossom, not for our own species.
i was listening to my ipod today--that trendy thing i swore i'd never buy--and was only driving and was not paying much attention to anything when a lyric hurled from my speakers and whomped my tranced ass awake.
"i'm the arrow, you're my bow, shoot me forth and i will go"
its phenomenal how reggae can make a cliched line somehow different; turning something seemingly select and personal into something universal, applicable to the whole audience. and yet, its moving qualities remain entrenched in the individual, invisible to any onlooker. should a passerby have witnessed my response they would merely observe a person who looked a little more awake at the wheel, and not at all realized that the exact opposite was underway. although the mind was more awake, the spirit was far less present.
is it not each of our duties to enter this world like an arrow, deliberately fired and destined for some distant mark? are we meant to question our mark, or fly true, trusting that by being true to ourselves we will eventually reach our destination? entering this global conscience an arrow on fire, our mission yet to be perceived, it is often difficult to believe that we are headed toward any remote objective with which we will coincide regardless of our intentions.
i am at my destination, a small corner shop with a hand drawn sign on a wooden tent out front. i am at my destination, one which i have never arrived at before. but it was inevitable--this is the only place i could have ended up.